Today, I have a treat for you all.
You may remember my friend, Shuaib Ghaffar, and his story, The Call, which he published on my blog last year. Well, today, he has another amazing story to share with you guys to celebrate the launch of his very own blog: shuaibghaffar.com.
-Aqil
“Why do you keep smiling at me?” she asks, suddenly pausing her stride and turning around to face me. My eyes trail shyly to my feet as I chuckle to myself. I slowly brush past her, hands in my pockets, coming to rest against the vista overlooking the glistening canals.
“Because”, I begin to say, innocently beaming toward the city’s glinting horizon, “It makes me happy when I see you”.
I sense her approach, watching her figure join me in the water’s clear reflection. As she draws nearer, I feel my spirit awake to her sweet natural scent, familiar and welcoming as the home I left behind.
I glance over my shoulder with a smirk while she stares up at me in sincerity, unamused. The longer our eyes meet, I feel an unseen force compelling my playful facade to fade away.
Her piercing gaze narrows in on mine, still and composed like the aim of a hunter’s bow.
Inside her rich, dark irises lay two tiny fallen stars, which find themselves not in their rightful place in the sky but here, offered before me like little fragments of Jannah.
Guided by her eyes, she explores the two shadowy paths to my soul, longingly searching for the many answers I have denied her. She has yet to discover what lies within, nor will I let her succeed on this occasion. It may be cruel, but this is the way it must be. In return for the new life she has brought to me, all I can give her at present is a smile.
As if somehow realising this, she sighs and quietly steps away. Her captivating attention drifts upon a pearly, white moon emerging from beyond the murky clouds, and while she stands physically beside me, our souls remain a hundred miles apart, as if nothing has changed with my return.
Caressed beneath the waves of the moonlight, the blissful nūr of the heavens washes over her skin. I blink twice to compose myself lest I slip free from the reins of rationale, casually glancing at my watch.
“You’re really hard to understand, you know that?” she says, catching on to my subtle lapse in character. I quietly laugh but return no reply, content with watching the splintering light from the great crescent shimmering along the ripples in the water. In its luminous wake, our perfectly contrasting silhouettes appear much closer to one another, foretelling the future that continues to elude us.
A baleful breeze courses through the crisp air, gracefully carrying her smooth locks of hair across her shoulders and casting a silky veil over her face. She does not look at me, nor do I blame her- she doesn’t deserve what I’ve put her through. Feeling the wind pick up with a biting cold, she turns away, wrapping up inside her tan overcoat.
I turn around too, now leaning against the steel railings as I take in the evening atmosphere. Overhead lies a neat, ornate row of restaurants and bars which light up the waterside walkways like a living room fire. I watch on as couples from all walks of life stroll along hand-in-hand or share oozing, hot desserts under candlelight from behind the glass. They laugh, and they embrace, telling jokes and teasing one another mercilessly. Yet here I am, everywhere but nowhere at once.
“So… you’re not gonna say anything?” she asks after a while, finding the courage to look up at me once more. And for a fleeting moment, I pause on the brink of speech. She prepares herself to listen, to finally discover the truth, only to see me shake my head and return a humble smile. Her determined eyes become downcast, slowly falling to the ground, now shrouded behind black strands that sway with the gust.
“That’s okay.” she inaudibly whispers, pulling her sleeves over her delicate, shivering hands and resting her head against them. My gaze continues to lie upon her like a boat floating on a calm lake. A straying tear wells up and runs down her soft cheek, which she pretends not to wipe away. All of a sudden, I can feel my lips lightly quivering. I know the cold is not the reason.
Because shackled between the bitter chains of logic and reason, deep inside its prison of patience, my heart seeks to leap from my chest and confess everything it dearly owes. It has grown weary and restless of constantly being ignored, now enacting its painful vengeance on my mind and body. My fists curl up as the blood begins to circle, a searing pain erupting in my throat. The adversary which I long suppressed has now grown strong, threatening to break me from the inside.
I shut my lids, encasing my world in darkness and silently pray for relief. I remain like this for a while, attempting to fill my lungs with fresh, nightly air in the hopes of finding peace. My breathing is long and methodical, phasing out all distractions to seek solace. Though seeing nothing,I feel a strange, warm sensation creeping over me, the kind I get when I’m being watched.
I cautiously wake to see her sharply eyeing me like a curious fox in the night garden. She regards me with an intense concentration, the likes of which I have never before seen.
This time, the stars in her skies shine brighter than any night in this world ever could, a true blessing bestowed upon her by The Divine. She stares and observes, absolutely transfixed, pulling me closer without contact or word. Slowly, I start to feel the bounds around my chest unravel and crack, calling forth the myriad of forgotten emotions from their hiding places, now free to roam the pastures of my mind.
And although her lips do not move to ask, my soul races with haste to answer.
As we share this moment together, there is so very much I wish to say to you, so very much you do not yet understand.
It was never my wish for things to be this way. Distant, sporadic. Confusing for the both of us wherever we may find one another. Had life been simpler, like those of our ancestors, perhaps we would already be together, struggling but surviving in the Land of Five Waters, rather than prioritising these worldly successes, concealing matters of the heart in such a repressive manner.
We can argue and we can speculate on what life could have or might have been. But this was not the hand that fate dealt us. The reality is that we live here, miles apart, not really knowing our place in the world. We tirelessly pray and hold on to a dream that neither of us knows the ultimate outcome of. But it is from these ashes of doubt that the faithful are raised.
I may appear to you like a strange man who loves to smile at you, who turns up on your doorstep every season to shatter your emotional security, to cause you to constantly question yourself. I know that every time we see each other, you’re left with more questions than answers as to who I am and how I feel about you.
I do wonder how you must feel that in your moments of vulnerability and delicacy, while you stand before me and shed your tears, you turn to see me smiling back? I only hope you can forgive my expression.
But how can I refrain when I look upon my favourite among all His creations?
Yet I seldom see you return the favour; I sense my presence punishes you more than it brings you joy. Perhaps I should’ve stayed gone for good, accepted the decision I made and carried on without you.
But I constantly lived in fear that one day, you would forget about me. That you would move on, all your trust and investment in me coming to nought, that you would never get to see the man I was becoming- you would only remember the arrogant, sorry boy you found.
For during that night when our paths crossed once more, we appeared as strange to each other as if we’d never met. The night, where we passed by each other like ghosts, our heads hung low and our voices quiet, memories we birthed buried like bones in the dirt.
You and the blessings you brought to me were far too much to leave behind in my shadow. I was grateful for every second I spent with you and every lesson I learned from you.
So I keep myself here to remind you of what could be if we have faith. You are more to me than a relic of the past in my memory’s museum, but my shining future, the manifestation of my hard work and ambition and God’s merciful favour on my undeserving soul.
And I know that what I do to you is selfish- may His justice rain upon me- and despite the smile you see, I do not feel proud of myself.
But by coming back to you, there was a chance you would see your faith in me amount to something and to help you remember that somewhere in the distance, there is a good, believing man who one day will always love you.
I pray we are blessed with the patience to continue our journeys alone, and if God wills, we will one day complete that journey together.
So until that day comes, I will smile.
Silent, she smiles back at me, revealing a set of gleaming white pearls encased in red, before shyly fluttering her lashes and whirling around in embarrassment.
“What?” I demand, following after her.
“N-nothing”, she chuckles, hiding herself away behind the palm of her hand. I peer around to catch a further glimpse of that rare sight, but she continues to conceal herself, playfully pushing me aside.
“What is going on with you?” I say as she hurriedly walks off to recollect herself. After a brief silence, she spins, the tails of her coat trailing elegantly in the wind, and my gaze finds hers, I am stunned to see a face overcome with joy.
She calmly steps towards me, the corners of her mouth gently curling upwards.
“Thank you,” she says, her expression sweet and peaceful. I blink at her in confusion.
“Thank you for what? I didn’t say anything.”
She innocently shakes her head and continues to smile at me.
“You don’t need to. I understand everything.”
“But… how?”
She gently strokes her hair, drawing so close I can hear her whisper.
“You can tell a lot about a person from the way they smile at you.”
THE END